Sitting in the parlor room at the famous Castle Hill Inn, this is the question I pondered.  Is this man in my life my Mr. Big?

The elegant 1895 white-pillared Georgian mansion situated in a beautiful historic neighborhood on Massachusetts’s North Shore is one of the states most distinctive Inns.  Since opening its doors it has hosted Kennedys, Vanderbilts and the like.  This tranquil beauty boasts eighteen quaint quest rooms, a four season breakfast room and a wrap around porch.  It is as if you have been transported to a bygone era, and, it was the perfect escape to relax with my thoughts and consider my relationship.

Stepping away from the busy hustle and bustle of familiar faces is exactly what the doctor ordered.  The quiet is a blessing.  I’ve disconnected from social media and turned off my phone entirely.  It was time to open my heart and let the emotions flow, allow the façade to crumble and feel what I needed to feel.  It was time.

The typical classic guy I could not resist is the one I fell for.  He was the mold of many before him; charming, handsome, charismatic, athletic and fun.  He was striking with a structural and muscular body, broad shoulders, fair skin, the ultimate facial hair (soft as a baby’s bottom) and brown eyes, and we looked hot together.  The difference being in the past, I was the one who did not want a commitment, the men I dated were lucky enough to get past a third date and when they did, a month or two into it, I ghosted them, moved on.  This time, that all changed.  I fell in love with someone who I knew had a fear of commitment.  I kept returning to the relationship even though he was clearly emotionally unavailable to me and unable to meet my needs.  Was it that he emotionally crippled and scarred from his past marriage or upbringing, figuring out his financial and structural security or is it the pressure of raising two young children halftime.  Did I fall in love with someone that is so selfish to his own needs or did I fall in love with someone who is just cautious to get it right the second time.

I did not need or want him for his financial means.  I wanted him for all the things money cannot buy.  I saw a long term potential in us, even if he could not see it yet.  But why?

Sex in the City gave us Carrie and the memorable and unavailable relationship of Mr. Big.  The inner turmoil of Mr. Big creating insecurity and misplaced feelings of unworthiness, being an option and not a priority and not allowing Carrie to understand her position in the relationship.  The intoxicating chemistry coupled with the impatience of wanting more by only one person in the coupling is my life right now.

I’ll never forget when I met my Mr. Big, a.k.a. Mr. Not Ready.  It was the end of March.  The Northeast was up to its eyeballs in snow.  It had been an unbelievable record setting season with snowfalls topping 70 inches.  Schools were closed.  Offices were closed. And Bostonians were hunkered down tweeting #getmeoutofhere.

And here I was, looking to #getmehere.

I was half of an empty nester with the second half just months away from completing a high school career and getting ready to embark on a college adventure.  One a junior in college across the country, the other entering college on the East coast.  It was my time to spread my wings and fulfill one bucket list item, finding my dream condo in Boston’s Beacon Hill area.  A place I dreamt about living and making a life since I was a little girl growing up in a quaint suburb on the South Shore of New England.  I found the most charming walk-up on Acorn Street.

After a viewing a few properties, the first one I saw, was ultimately the one I wanted.  I chose the unit that offered the most square footage and raw space.

Negotiations were complete and it was time to move forward with the financing.  Enter Mr. Not Ready.  As with many realtors, they have preferred lenders and Mr. Not Ready was the mortgage broker du’jour.  We had connected briefly on the phone, by email and text.  We made introductions, discussed what was needed at the first meeting and set a date for later in the week.  We planned to meet at the realtor’s office for convenience to the hotel I was staying at.

A few days later, on a Friday, the day we were to meet, he was running late and had texted me a few times to reschedule the original meeting time.  After the third rescheduling we settled on a mid-afternoon time slot.  Once again, that time came and went and in my typical fiery, lack of patience, Aries persona, I told my realtor what he could do with the mortgage broker and than in another fifteen minutes, I was done and on to the next.

Low and behold, in walks this, completely not what I was expecting, handsome guy.  And just like that, with dimples so enticing, he smiled and all my anger at his tardiness melted away.  He was tall, handsome and nicely built.  He had dimples that could melt the snow in the entire Northeast.  Yes, he was that adorable.

We bantered through the professional conversation of my finances.  I was smitten and I sensed he was too.  I didn’t want the meeting to end but alas it did.

We set a date for the following week to meet prior to the scheduled property inspection to have coffee and for me to provide him with additional documents needed for my mortgage.  He was an hour early!  I had gone over to the Tatte Coffee Shop, on Charles Street, early myself, I wanted to grab a table and relax before he arrived.  I was so enamored with this man I hardly knew, a feeling I had not felt in years, I just wanted a few minutes to myself to breathe and relax before he arrived.  So much for that well thought out plan.

We sat down at a small table and I was at a loss for words.  If you know anything about me, this is an anomaly.  It is so rare that I am stumped for conversation.  He sat there in jeans and a button down.  He was beyond sexy and possessed that certain “je ne sais quoi” that made him irresistible.  Not that I am half bad myself.  As I came to learn months later, after the third breakup and rekindling that I possess some mystical power over him.

And that was the beginning of the Mr. Not Ready relationship of dating, breaking up, dating, breaking up, dating breaking up and so forth.

I moved into my place during the summer and he could not wait to take me on that first date.  It was one of the most wonderful fun dates I can remember.  He was attentive and complimentary and I think he was a little anxious at taking me out.  On the way to dinner he forgot to exit the highway for downtown and began heading out of the City.  And, his driving was erratic.  Describing him as an aggressive driver would be kind.  My heart sank and all I could think of was, OMG, I am going to road-kill, the victim of rape and death.  Thankfully he also noticed the error and made a comment to put me at ease.  I was a mess until we were back heading in the right direction.

The dates that followed were sporadic but consistent, if that makes sense.  But there were definite red flags that I was ignoring.  He kept me interested enough that I was hooked, but he would not commit.  He would make and cancel or reschedule plans.  He would say he was going to call or text and never did.  My stomach was doing acrobats as I waited for that next text, a plan to be made or just some sort of indication he was thinking of me.  And then, as simple as putting a Band-Aid on scratch, he would reach out, the elation would kick in, those crazy endorphins, and the thoughts of all the frustrations and red flags were banished. And this crazy sequence still continues today.

Two steps forward, three steps back.

We have broken up several times.  The first time sometime during the summer months.  I don’t even remember the conversation except to say that I wanted to be a priority and not an option.  The second breakup followed a lovely dinner at my home with close friends.  He was amazing at dinner; helpful, caring and a perfect “husband-ish” partner.  And the third was late winter.  And these are only the ones I remember.

With each breakup there was a period of several days of no contact until one of us eventually made contact and then the cycle would begin again.  There was just something that could not keep us apart.

In Sex in the City, Mr. Big eventually marries Carrie; after one failed wedding attempt.  But she got the fairytale ending.  She focused on the finish line and not the process.  She went on with her life and dated.  At one point, following the wedding debacle she ghosted him entirely.  She put Carrie first and ultimately earned herself the best prize, his hand in marriage.

Is that in the cards for my Mr. Not Ready relationship?

Currently we are in the dating part of the sequence and yet, while I am in a good place now.  I often wonder why I am still in it, when there are so many other better dating options out there.  Will my Mr. Not Ready realize how lucky he is to have a girl like me; smart, funny, attractive both intellectually and physically.

As I sit here in the parlor room I know the questions to be answered.  Do I want to be a part of the aggressive-passive hamster wheel anymore?  Do I continue, and for how long?  What am I getting out of the relationship in its current state?  What more can I give to the relationship?  Am I standing in my own way of moving on?  Can I get to a future if my past is still in the present?  Has the current state of what we are finally lost its appeal?

The questions are probing and the answers surely telling, if only I could dig deep enough within myself to find the response.  I sit here no further along in my thoughts than when I started.  I don’t know what the endgame will be, but for now, I am prepared to go on with my life.  To manage what is within my control and not what is not. To go with the flow enjoying the time spent together, if I so choose.

And, most importantly, to remain confident in who I am, to put myself out there and to date other eligible suitors.

Why I want the fairytale with my Mr. Not Ready is anyone’s guess, but for some reason I still do and it is the process by which he chooses to engage in this courtship and show his true colors will ultimately determine the ending t0 this story.

Stay tuned!